Another night and yet again he thought about the wretched stripper that he loved who didn’t love him back. Her luscious hair, her sparkling eyes, the way she spun on the pole and walked with stride. The way she lifted her skirt and teased with her smile. The way she held his hand, to take money once in a while.
The way she hugged that teddy bear that she always wanted, when he had gifted it to her. Her childish dreams still in existence. Her flawless laughter when she laughed. Her deepest thoughts about her future plans when she had to think. When she tantalized men when she didn’t.
Series of rain at nights, in a row. When it poured it blocked her further from him. Stuck in his box of an apartment, looking out the window. ‘This massive block of glass, and an ocean of rain between us’ he thought.
‘It’s too good to be true they say’ he thought, ‘… to be with the one you want to be with. You settle with one that’s settled, but you never settle with the one you sore with.’ She flew with him in his mind, like Phoenix rising in the skies. Again and again her eyes cut through, separating the clouds among sunrises. Her hair lifted with the winds. She was big as the mountain. She was semitransparent with the vast skies. She existed in all the world around him, but never by his side. He cursed at whatever it was that was playing a game with his heart. He cursed at the moon and the stars; whatever they were that brought in loneliness at nights.
He remined listless on the sofa thinking about all the unfair things that he had to cope with. It was unfair that the concept of time, those sneaky stars, and that moon messed with his heart. It was unfair that the world was drenched in rain outside while he sunk without a good reason to hold onto something. ‘Her,’ she was that one reason, somehow. So subtle, and so inconsistent. she, hiding in and out of his life. Him, being pulled by a thin string that no one else could see. ‘It must be madness, or a curse, or a drug. Yet if not this, then what else is there to live for?’ he thought.
He shook his head and his vision refocused to watch the rain hit his window. He could call the sex hotline, get it finished for the night, and wake up the next morning. Instead, a random thought of him doing it with a girl for the first time in middle school came to his mind. It was under the bleachers, and it was an experiment for both the girl and him. He was so nervous yet so excited at the same time. He didn’t think of anything else but doing it. And when he did it, he didn’t think of anything else but it. When he was done, he was done. They awkwardly pulled their pants up and went home separately. He barely spoke to her the next day at school. She barely seemed to care a year down the road. ‘Why couldn’t that be it? Isn’t that it, ultimately?’ he thought.
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Samasya Tapasya 
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