Fear of being alone

 

 

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He liked me because I was brave

It’s dark outside and there are night owls hooting. There’s sounds of bats and the rustling of leaves amid darkness and chilly winds. I don’t know what’s happened to me. I lean closer to my lover and he comforts with his strong embrace. Inside the warmly lit room, we’re safe under covers from the unknown outside. I dig into his arms deeper. He holds me tighter as my heart rattles with fear with each passing sound from the creatures outside. In the deep dark corners of my mind, I’m forever alone. I’m forever left in some dark pit trying to gather myself together. My teeth chatter and I close my eyes behind crinkly hair that covers my face. My clothes are wet and I feel helpless; as if the only thing that could ever save me is death that might come during sleep. I try and try to disappear, but I just can’t. He holds until I get out of that world, and I feel my heart racing against his chest. He tells me I’m safe but I don’t believe it. I wonder if these things will ever leave me. I may be trapped I say, he’ll save me, says he. He rocks me ’till my heart slows down. But when I close my eyes, it comes back to me. There’s a prison where I live and hear the strange sounds again and again. I’ve been living there for twenty-three years and I just can’t take it. There’s either now or there’s forever like this. There’s choices that I’ve never fathomed existed. I see the gate before me, but it takes guts to get up and check if it’s unlocked. Sweat trickles down my face but I’m tired and I want to be set free. Whatever sound it is that I hear, I must let it ring all through me and between me if it doesn’t stop. These burning eyes of mine obscure my vision, but I must see through them. Amid the screams I push open the prison gate with ease. It was never locked to begin with. I watch the wide unknown looming in the darkness, and take a breath. It’s now that I free myself.

My lover is asleep amid the lamp light. The owls hoot like always as I look out the window. I open the bedroom door and walk down the dark stairs. I open the main door of the house and hear the rustling of the autumn winds that I despise. I stand into the open, look at the pitch back surrender, and walk outside.

 

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Stuck with a fly

She sat bored, disgusted, and as distant as she could be away from him in the little closed space that they shared together. She tried to ignore him, but he made squeamish noises that constantly reminded her of him being right there next to her. She closed her eyes and placed her fingers over her ears. After what seemed like a long time, which might have only been minutes, she turned around and glared at him angrily. His filthy look made her nauseous. He tried to move the palps on the bottom of his face, as if he acknowledged her watching him. He stared off ahead with his massive black and netted bug eyes. He was a fly, sort of. His head was that of a fly, but the rest of his body was that of a man. It repulsed her. She was stuck with him inside a clear glass jar. When she looked outside from the glass jar, she saw flasks emitting gasses and other types of colorful experiments occurring. The jar in which they were in rested atop a lab bench. She squinted her eyes and searched as far as she could and found two other human couples, a male and a female, inside a similar jar far away from them. She envied the woman because she was stuck with a real man. Of all the guys she could have been stuck with, she was stuck with a disgusting half a fly. He sputtered something and buzzed, flapping fibers on the sides of his face. She huddled herself into a ball and cringed. She closed her eyes and wished it was a bad dream. Soon enough, her heart began to beat slower and she felt the oxygen levels slowly change inside the jar.

She woke up and she was thoughtless. She looked outside of the glass jar and saw multiple kaleidoscopic-like images. She turned to face the fly and saw his image in multiples as well. He sputtered something and buzzed, and she sputtered something and buzzed back.

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Environmental injustice

I feel like you’re taking my asset for your gain
The air I breathe, what I feel, what I eat,
All for your profit
And it annoys and aggravates me
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The wall

There’s always something blocking ahead. There’s always the wall; thick and made up of stones and concrete. I can kick it. I can try to punch it down with all my passion, but it just won’t collapse. I shiver and pace in this forsaken room. The lights are dim and the cold clouds claim and hide my hopes outside. I sit leaning against this wall and watch silence eat me alive; my skin, my breasts, my neck, my lips. This darkness that spills when the daylight fades out; it chews up my tender flesh, apathetically, despicably, bit by bit.

Say there’s more to this world than this. Give me a hint that you’re alive and that you’d hold me tight in these days so cold, so real, and so long. Give me reassurance that we wouldn’t hurt anyone else. Hold my face, fix your gaze, peer into my soul and tell me that I am who I am and that’s all that you see. That’s all that you’ve always wanted. Can you see through this wall? Let me try to break it. You can’t imagine the strength that runs through my veins. I can’t take it. I’ll take your hand and we’ll run to paradise. In an oblivion full of you you you and me me me…. a kaleidoscope vision, a shimmering, startling sight. We’ve got to survive. This isn’t make-believe because I know you exist. I can hear you kicking the wall from the other side. Try and try, and try and try. I’m growing scared because I really don’t know where to take us from here. The grey clouds are vast and massive. The shadows slide in. The clock is ticking. A drop of sweat burns my eye and my heart is beating. The silence is killing.

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Intermittent

Intermittent. Everything in life is intermittent. I wanna feel high all the time. I wanna feel like I’m living nice all the time. But everything is intermittent. Everyone just sleeps at night or stays primarily quiet during the day thinking amongst themselves like lunatics. The highs that we feel together lasts only a few seconds, then during these intermittent times, we recall them, over and over again; artificially making the highs seem much longer than they really were. The highs suddenly become much higher than they really were. Our memories falsely recalls the past as if it was full of highs. We don’t remember that the past was, in fact, mostly intermittent. Just like it is now.
We lie in a room surrounded by our close ones during these intermittent times. We’re quiet next to each other and too busy thinking about the few second highs.
We’re just zombies waiting to wake up, waiting to feel the next high; while we’re bound like prisoners to our decaying bodies, ticking with the clock, during long intermittent times.

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