“Hey, I just wanna let you know that I’m getting a new girlfriend. You never give importance to me or to the things that I value. You never want to do anything together that’s fun or conducive to our relationship. You don’t have any future goals. I don’t even know what it is that you want… from me, from us, from our relationship, our plans, future, anything. We’re losing sight of the things we have in common. For god’s sake I don’t even know what you really enjoy doing anymore. Coming home has become a task. I feel dead or as if I’m dying. I think you’re completely not there for me nor are you beneficial to my mental health. We don’t communicate. You’re not supportive. I have no idea what makes you happy, and the few things that does– god help me– I don’t get it. It’s tiresome. I quit. I’ve moved on. I have a new girlfriend.”
“Does she have better hair than me?”
Sitting on your boss’s lap, leaning in and falling asleep
While he does work for you on the laptop
Someone comes in to check
He responds, ‘This is team-building…’
“One small fk for man,
One giant orgasm for mankind”
She walked over to him and said, “I need to have a discussion with you.”
“Ok” he said.
“It’s about colors. I hate black. I hate black vehemently. I even hate grey. You know what, I hate blue too. In fact, blue repulses me. Blue is like a traitor color. But I truly hate black. You can put all the shades of grey, black, and blue together and send them all to hell. I hate them all! I even hate ombré!”
“Wow ok” he responded.
“It’s disgusting” she snarled, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” She said goodbye to her colleague as she put on her black coat and walked out of the office at the end of the day.
“You are the most normal person I know”
Headache? There’s orange zest oil for that.
Can’t breathe? Well, there’s eucalyptus oil for that.
Can’t sleep? Lavender oil my friend.
Can’t eat? Why, there’s ginger root oil for that.
Can’t think? Flaxseed oil, dearest.
Antsy? Clove oil.
Dying? Avocado oil.
Now get a life.
A young woman walked into sky mall.
“How would you like your men, ma’am?” A store clerk asked.
“How would I like my men?” She questioned, slightly annoyed that the clerk hadn’t figured out her extra picky nature by now.
“How would I like my men?” She repeated while thinking out loud. “Just like how I like my clothes,” her voice trailed off into the clouds.
“It has to be the right material to make me comfortable. Made of fabric that doesn’t fuzz up. The perfect color to brighten up my skin. The exact size for my fit. It has to be snug but gorgeous at the same time. It has to be versatile enough to be styled into different layered combinations. I should be able to dress it down during the day and party it up at night. Must be durable and long lasting. Must be a classic style that will always stay in fashion. No polka dots or stripes, please. It must be soft and soothing to the touch.”
“Would you like your clothe to be infused in lotion ma’am?”
“Sure, why not.”
“You are very particular!” The clerk said after finally finding the perfect clothing for her.
“Well, it’s very important to me,” she said while remembering a time she had compulsively bought some flashy outfit that had caught her eye; which didn’t match her lifestyle nor her personality. She wore it probably only once, and never again.
“Make sure you take good care of it,” The clerk advised her.
“Oh, this will last me a long time.”
“Would you like to shop for any other clothes?” The clerk asked politely, yet hesitantly.
“Of course! I need several more shirts, extra pants, and some new sweaters for the season.”
The tired clerk took a deep breath and regretted asking her.
“But, don’t worry, I can buy those any other time. I’m so excited about this outfit, I can’t wait to go home and wear it right away! It’ll be my favorite!”
The clerk exhaled.
She smiled and waved goodbye as she walked out of the store happy.