Anglo lover

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Rat kids

Tonight, my favorite song is ‘Dont stop believing’ by Journey. In the guitar strings is our experience in this dark of the night. Rainy metro city
concrete floors, concrete walls. Dark nights, cloudy days, spans of loneliness that lasts months on end. You’ve become an American boy, more than I’ve ever become an American girl.
As immigrants, we feel like the dwelling rats that run here and there, between buildings, trying to live
surviving.

Your brunet hair and your pale skin, but your name… you’ve swiveled into this system like a lover who’s climbed into his beloved’s bedroom up high. While I stand out here, hanging onto the railing of a fast running subway.

Maybe it’s been a rough ride for you too at one point, but you’re the king of the coup right now. You’ve got cars, wealth, and chicks line up by your door. Like most immigrants here, we got backup assets, and the attitude, the struggle, the undying restlessness
to steer us upwards. Like you, I’ve become successful in my own light. I’m the queen in demise.

We’re stuck here; somewhat. Not just in our successes;
but in this place.
We’re like concrete flowers. Maybe you don’t see it that way, but I do.
Because you can try to immerse with your pale skin
but your name will always be different and I
I got both things against me.
Can’t relate to you but I can.
Can’t find a home; in you I see it somewhat.
Take this little bit of hope I hold, and smear it
through the walls of this city.
Can you do that? I’m so tirelessly alone in this downfall, but here I am traveling the world
and in every place I go, I tell them where I’m from and what I’m representing
this rat world that I hated
that’s become our stance to the rest
we conquered this dump and raised a flag over it
we own it, my love, me and you
rat king and rat queen
I only love this place because of your existence
I only feel proud of this place because of our rough time in it
concrete walls, undercovers in the dark of the night
an electric city underneath the clouds
your colorful trace
your intoxicating scent
your window reflections in all of it.

An olive world

When I least expected
you walked in the room, and all lights turned dim
you yourself turned dim
and it eased the glow of your olive green shirt
that reminds me of my olive green swimsuit
you and I, an olive skin to clothe amalgamation
so amazing you looked with your summer tan
on that clingy smooth shirt
imagining slight perspiration
while I sweat in my own kind of heat
much hotter now that you walked in
much more motivation, goosebumps on skin
everything is dim, but now there’s a north star high up
dazzling in strobes of bright color
while you assuredly walk;
you take over everything

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तुम को देखा तो ये खयाल. “I saw you; then this thought…”

“I saw you, then this thought came
that life is the heat, and you are the leafy shade

Today again, the heart made one wish
today again
I reconciled the heart
life is the heat, and you are the leafy shade
I saw you, then this thought came

If you leave, then I shall think
what I lost; what I gained
life is the heat, and you are the leafy shade
I saw you, then this thought came

That which I cannot murmur
Why did time sing it?
life is the heat, and you are the leafy shade

I saw you, then this thought came…”

“Civilization was created by few, built by many, and given to most”

Civilization was created by few, built by many, and given to most,” my father told me from his deathbed. “It was given to my generation, and we destroyed it, now it’s time for you to create a new one.”

I’ll do it” I had said half-assed before he closed his eyes and passed away. It took me months to revisit that moment in time when I sat next to my dad in his deathbed at the hospital. I had tried to block it out; just like almost everything that comes my way in this shitty city during my walk to work. Like that over filled trash can, or the hobos who ask for food, money, drugs, or alcohol, or attention, or just anything that you can give them. Scums of the earth. I’m a scum of the earth too, as I kick that trash can on my way to the office. The leg of my pants get stained. It was a start to just another god damn miserable day.

I go to the men’s room and try to wipe it out with a soaked paper towel. Now there’s a seemingly obvious wet spot on my gray pants. I get even angrier as I walk out.

Because I’ve been in a bad mood, work was especially dreadful. My interactions with people were quick and dry, my motivation was low, and my morale was tainted. I hated everything about work; I hated everything about this city. I hated my life and I hated myself. Back in my apartment, I look at the mirror before I head to bed. I brush my teeth just to feel a bit more human. What disgrace I see in the mirror before me. I had ungroomed beard stubble and there were bags underneath my bloodshot eyes. I couldn’t comprehend how on earth women found me attractive, but they did. And because I hate myself, I hate them for not despising me. It’s like the analogy of a puppy in a pet store; you’re standing there thinking it’s so cute, but it’s miserable and it wants out or it wants to bite your face off.

In the limbo of the next day; I stand outside my apartment balcony in the morning and look at the sunrise as it slowly creeps up and starts to blind me. The concrete jungle sprawls before my eyes, and it just sickens me even more. Everything sickens me about this place. My dad, in his delusional Alzheimer filled last days, wanted me to create a new civilization. I promised him I would. I spat the mouthwash on the flower pot and headed inside. I had gotten up, dressed up, and now planned to show up to work. I looked at the hoards of sheep-like people before me, who looked just like me, dressed just like me, and behaved just like me. Anger and frustration in their faces; just like in mine. We were all zombies who lived and thrived in this concrete city.

Start a new civilization” said my dad. I spat my gum on the gray sidewalk and disappeared in the force and momentum of the moving crowd.

 

 

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Friendly gestures

Silent eves
with the rain drops, beside us
no words, just time to kill
cradled in your arms
save me, I’m a helpless little thing
and I trust you; your warm hard body
we’re like glue here; there’s no space in between
I couldn’t stand it otherwise
you let me be so needy, and I so need it
soft sweet kisses from you
like scented roses
I could wrap around you for decades
I never want to not do it
hold me tighter and tighter and tighter
keep kissing sweet kisses
mmmm

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Sunny day outside the smoky room

I sit up on the bed amid a sea of skeletons
there’s smoke in the air that blurs vision and the sunlight hides behind smelly old curtains
I’ve been feeling like a a blank canvas
and that was ok; it was better not to feel than to feel
the door’s shut from outside, blocking all their echos and voices
it’s best to avoid anything at all costs in this dreary heavenly escape

amid the dim lights and the distant color of dust and smoke in the air,
there’s this image of your random eyes
how big, dark, and happily squinted they were in the mirror
those joyful, fun, playful eyes
full of life; livin’ your rock star life
straight out of some movie you are
how far your life and how far mine
yet at one point, neighboring kids of the same time and space
I romanticize your Anthony Kiedis from Red Hot Chili Peppers type of life
stay there in sunny Cali paradise
I’ll think of your jovial ride
while sinking calmly in the dark smoky pool of air

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You keep catching me

I know who I love. It’s you; fragile and in pain, lonely, needing to be saved. Your desperation is my awakening. I can’t imagine you a happy boy. So long lost, so strange and foreign. So not you.
When you look at me, do you see desperation too?
Do see yourself; do you see someone so far away from you; almost impossible
unattainable
is this love then?
Is this forever, between you and I;
nameless faces, changing
always on the go
drifting rafts
dont you just want that one person, like I do? To fall deeply and exclusively in love with
’till it gets so damn boring
unless you keep catching me in different times
in different faces
changing
like you do

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Bleeding green

Can’t get myself to cry
…it’s been over years…
over something that’s left
this samsara
the memories blur and dissipate to the ground
I’m trying to knock myself alive
cry a little more, scream a bit
love a lot
but I’m left dissipating too;
dispersing with the winds themselves
trying to attach to whatever that may come my way
the leaves
the grass
the dew on grass
just anything that’s still there
barechested and green
willing to take it all
as I’m willing to fall way down

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Pure heart

The twists and turns in your hair
give away the thousand year history untold
the smile on your face warms every warm blooded’s beating heart
eons of bond, shared blood, genes
that connect you to everything
every sea on earth
all the star dust above clouds, far, far away
the twinkle in your eyes, diamonds in black sky
the hum in your tone, pure as the holy Himalayan spring water
what wonder you are
how small you stand against the mountains that surround
how big your heart

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Like rain clouds

Won’t sleep tonight
thinking about your soft hair
like rain clouds…

I understand that things are slow
and your heart beats
weighed and heavy
while I bloom in orange, before you
stay quiet, speak to me in silences
like you do
times are gloomy like the rain, I know
this path before us; it’s faux, we know
but dance with me in my dreams
we got a little time
it’s like magic
stay under my arms
sway with me
sing sweetly, with me
please
it’s so easy for us
isn’t it?
It’s so natural
so predictable
it’s so slow, so gentle, warm, tingly
soft, erect
stay this way for me
silent and rainy
amid my fixation with you
from afar

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