Can’t get myself to cry
…it’s been over years…
over something that’s left
the memories blur and dissipate to the ground
I’m trying to knock myself alive
cry a little more, scream a bit
love a lot
but I’m left dissipating too;
dispersing with the winds themselves
trying to attach to whatever that may come my way
the dew on grass
just anything that’s still there
barechested and green
willing to take it all
as I’m willing to fall way down
I’m sitting here on the empty Jacuzzi staring at the ceiling with water droplets spritzing near my face, as I try to feel fulfilled. In my room, I spray all types of scents to calm my senses but it just numbs me down. I have every material thing that I want and I make a lot of money for a chick who claims to not need a lot. I turn on the bright blue therapy light that mimics sunlight to feel like I’m sitting under the sun. I meet a lot of people every day whom I don’t call my own. I have the love of my two parents but I want a big family that’s fifty times bigger and will have my back. I have the guy that adores me but I also want one who doesn’t. I’m climbing the capitalist ladder but I believe in socialist type stuff. I’m maintaining my status as a whatever, but it’s just killing me inch by inch. I don’t take pills, smoke, or drink to cope but that doesn’t mean I’m happier. I can’t follow spiritual leaders and luminaries who say pretty things because in the end they’re just humans like me. I can’t support any religions with an open heart because they talk too much of discipline, but I’m fueled by instinct and desire. I have realistic aspirations now and still want to do significant things for the future, but I don’t if I don’t have to. I can have kids if I want to but I may just let my body shut down. There are twelve months in a year and eight of them are already over and I can’t get the past three or four years back.
I went through a state of extreme confusion, frustration, and subtle fear. What is it that I want? What should I seek? How should I be?
These series of confusing pieces just kept piling up with more and more questions, and less and less answers. I felt trapped and it felt horrible,
Until I decided to drop my shoulders.
Suddenly, the only thing I felt was the comfort from my relaxed neck muscles. I felt happy. All illusionary problems disappeared. Being present felt better. Being present was a choice.
How awesome it is to let it just be, and to let yourself feel what you feel, when you simply choose to be primitive.