Surely dying

I’m sitting here on the empty Jacuzzi staring at the ceiling with water droplets spritzing near my face, as I try to feel fulfilled. In my room, I spray all types of scents to calm my senses but it just numbs me down. I have every material thing that I want and I make a lot of money for a chick who claims to not need a lot. I turn on the bright blue therapy light that mimics sunlight to feel like I’m sitting under the sun. I meet a lot of people every day whom I don’t call my own. I have the love of my two parents but I want a big family that’s fifty times bigger and will have my back. I have the guy that adores me but I also want one who doesn’t. I’m climbing the capitalist ladder but I believe in socialist type stuff. I’m maintaining my status as a whatever, but it’s just killing me inch by inch. I don’t take pills, smoke, or drink to cope but that doesn’t mean I’m happier. I can’t follow spiritual leaders and luminaries who say pretty things because in the end they’re just humans like me. I can’t support any religions with an open heart because they talk too much of discipline, but I’m fueled by instinct and desire. I have realistic aspirations now and still want to do significant things for the future, but I don’t if I don’t have to. I can have kids if I want to but I may just let my body shut down. There are twelve months in a year and eight of them are already over and I can’t get the past three or four years back.

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My meaning of life

Laying on nature’s floor, breathing in fresh air, feeling the pollinated breeze over my face, being next to the green plants and trees, accompanied by bugs and bees
Letting time pass by, fast or slow, with the fluctuating clouds above
I don’t care.
This is my meaning of life.

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Missed you by a minute

I missed you by one minute… this world could’ve been ours. I saw my reflection where my hair was flying when I rushed out the glass door. I was just a girl, running. Running away from something, running away from someone. Running away from the world, my life, everything. I missed you by one minute when I ran away. You arrived the next minute, but I was already gone by then. I could hear you from behind a different door; a different dimension. And like most things in life, I just knew that the timings couldn’t go right. I could’ve sworn I sensed it when I was running away. Still, I hoped to catch you in the next minute if I hurried back. But when I did, you were gone one minute earlier.

I pass by where you once might’ve stood, with silence ringing in my ears. I internalize that I’m right– it wouldn’t work out. And the cobwebs control my isolated heart
And I sink into a pool of nothing
And the world could never feel as empty as it does
When I missed you a minute ago…

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